Thursday, January 30, 2014

thursday tales [the remote control saga]

Thursday, January 30, 2014
jason and i have been living in the 80s for the past 2 weeks. not 80 degree temps, but the 1980s. when you had to get up off your couch and turn the channels on the tv manually.

as you can imagine, being 8 months pregnant and "getting off the couch" are like oil and water, shit just don't mix. so besides watching lots of HGTV and law & order: SVU marathons [something i do anyways], i've been annoyingly limited to whatever channel i set before i sit down. it's terrible.

about a week ago, i was determined to do something about it. we decided that the culprit was the remote control, so one friday after work i made my way over to the local comcast service center to exchange ours for a new one.

now if you've ever been in a comcast service center, you know that it's like the DMV - full of overly friendly people, those tickets you have to take, and wait time of roughly 72 hours [if you're lucky].

that particular friday, i waddled in, took my ticket, and eyed the comfy couches in the corner to settle into for my long wait. they even looked comfortable enough to give birth on, if it came down to it.

luckily, the comcast gods were on my side that day and before i could plop my rump on the couch, my number was called.

a little wary of trickery, i waddled my way over to the service rep, produced my remote, and said "it's broken, i need a new one", in one of those don't-mess-with-me tones.

without batting an eyelash [i'm serious, her face never moved], the rep took my remote, reached into a cabinet behind her, grabbed a shiny new one, handed it to me, and said "that's it".

"that's it?!", i exclaimed, completely thrown off. "yes, have a good weekend!" chirped the now animated rep.

shocked beyond belief, i spit out a a surprised "you have a great weekend", and got out of there before she realized how quickly this transaction happened and made me fill out boxes of paperwork.

this is where you think the story ends, don't you? well it doesn't. because that stupid new remote didn't work either.

so we lived in the 80s for 1 more week before i decided to suck it up and contact comcast again. instead of calling them [because really, i'm going to be pushing a baby out of a very narrow space soon and i shouldn't have to endure more pain than that], i got in the chat queue and waited until a nice analyst named jose came on to help me out.

jose asked me a series of rather interesting questions to ascertain the situation. here's a snippet of my favorite:

"what are the steps did you use when you tried to program the remote control?"

what the what? jose, dear, i can barely put shoes on anymore, what do you mean what did i do? i sang it the sweet song of my people, danced the "please work" dance, put batteries in it, pointed it at my cable box and willed it to work with my mind [while pushing the buttons].

and when it didn't work, i let out a loud, primal yell and chucked it across the room.

so after you tell me how i'm supposed to "program it", i'm going to need a new remote.

[ be continued]


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